she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
