I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
