All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize