You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
