there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
