You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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