I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We smell like vodka and hangover
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