My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
