Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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