I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
