So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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