If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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