So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
