Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
