Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just blew my weed a kiss
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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