I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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