I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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