i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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