i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
