I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
