i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
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Do I have a choice?
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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