Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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