When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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