someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you made out with another girl for some wings
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize