Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
