What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
