Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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