Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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