I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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