your parents love me but you hate me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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