Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
