I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
