Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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