fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
