I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
