after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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