Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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