he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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