We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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