3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
