Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
