I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
