'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
