Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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