I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
