i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
