I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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