I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bring money and cleavage
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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