my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
