Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
