Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
