Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
