all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
