this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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