if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
