Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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