last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
