A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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