I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
