she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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