you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
