Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize